How to
by LoveBackwards
Summary: Modern Tayousei High Drabble. So it's a half day and with their girlfriends busy, the boys make plans of their own. This could help with their English project, whiching is writing a five step 'How To' guide book.
1. Bankotsu's Guide

Disclaimer.

Bankostu: Ooh, look who gets to be in the disclaimer again.

Hiten: Whoo…-___-

Naraku: Hey, at least I'm in this fic.

Kouga: Yeah, what happened to fucking Christmas you whore?

_Watch it or you're all fucked. -.-_

Naraku: *sighs* she doesn't own Inuyasha.

-

"Wendy's!" Bankotsu, Kouga, and Hiten whined from the backseat of Naraku's car. Naraku sat in the driver's seat, already annoyed, and Hakudoshi sat beside him in the passenger.

"I fucking heard you!" He snapped and all three snickered. It was a Friday afternoon and they had a half day at school. "Remind me why I'm your ride today."

"Well the girls made plans, my Jeep's in the shop, and Hiten and Bankotsu are too poor for a car." Kouga explained.

"I get that but why _me_?" He asked and Hakudoshis rolled his eyes.

"Why me, why me?" Hiten mocked and waggled his fingers.

"You owe us for covering you last week." Bankotsu winked and Naraku sighed as he pulled in the Wendy's parking lot. Sesshomaru and Kikyou were doing things he did _not_ want to be around for and Renkotsu had work; so unfortunately, these idiots wanted to spend their day with him. He sighed again and walked inside with Hakudoshi following. Hiten, Kouga, and Bankotsu followed soon after and they waited in line.

"What a fucking gay ass English project." Kouga scoffed as he read through the rubric he received earlier today.

"I got mines done." Bankotsu said enthusiastically and they all blinked at him.

"You actually _did_ it?" Naraku asked in disbelief.

"Uh huh." Bankotsu nodded his head up and down and pulled out a small booklet from his back pocket. "Did it in my psychology class." He said smugly.

"How to….be a Bagger at Stop and Shop…" Kouga read as he held the book. "Do you have any idea how offensive this is?" He glared.

"Yeah, seriously." Hiten rolled his eyes.

"…I find it amusing." Naraku smirked and they all arched a brow at him and he shrugged. "I hang out with Kikyou; that stuff just grows on ya." He explained and they all went back to the booklet, ignoring the strange reaction.

"Guys, its not like its another random idea that came to mind…in my wellness health class we were talkin' 'bout poverty and then…I figured hey, why not dedicate a book to the minimum wagers?" He grinned and they both just stared at him.

"You have issues…" Hiten muttered.

"Should see him when he's talking to Kagura." Hakudoshi said casually and they sighed. Kouga handed back the book.

"Aren't you gunna read it?" Bankotsu pouted.

"Tch, no." Hiten scoffed and Bankotsu looked to his feet. "Fiiine." He drawled out, caving for his friend's pout. Bankotsu's eyes lit up.

"Trust me, its pretty impressive." He boasted.

"Mhm, suuure." Kouga sighed as they walked up to order their food.

"Uh….two baconators, two medium fries, small cokes and….three kid meals." Naraku ordered and they all glared at them. "Tch, my money mooches." He rolled his eyes. Hiten held out cash and he smiled. "Alright, three more baconator meals." He added and they rolled their eyes. They got their food and sat at the booth contently.

"So let's have at it." Kouga said as he started devouring his food. Bankotsu threw the book to the middle of the table and Naraku snatched it, reading to himself.

"Whoa…it actually makes sense…" He shrugged as he scanned it. He threw it back to the middle and Hiten picked it up.

"Recently, the amount of jobless teenagers and fat old people who are too lazy to get a real education has gone up. This has been bad for the nation-wide grocery store, Stop and Shop, because although it gives them many options, most of them are bad ones that lazy people apply for, here's how to make yourself stand out…" Hiten paused.

"How does that make sense?" Kouga stared at Naraku.

"Well…it's true." He shrugged again and ate his fries. Hakudoshi snickered to himself and Hiten shook his head before continuing.

"The main job many lazy, fat people are getting is the job as the 'bagger' because they're too stupid for the cash register. The bagger's job isn't as easy as it seems. Here's a five step guide on how you can be the perfect bagger." Hiten continued and Naraku hunched over in laughter.

"Holy fuck…Bankotsu's writing his own guide for his future job." Naraku wiped his eyes and Kouga started laughing with him.

"Hey!" Bankotsu glared and they calmed down.

"Ok, ok, Step One: Your Appearance." Hiten sighed. "Your physical appearance says a lot about you…" He started but was cut off.

"Yup, Bankotsu definitely wrote this." Naraku sighed and Bankotsu glared.

"_Says a lot about you_." Hiten repeated in an annoyed tone. "If you want to get hired, don't dress as yourself, because let's face it, if you're desperate enough to apply here, you probably aren't all that great to look at." Hiten stopped and looked up to Bankotsu. "You expect an A?" He asked and Bankotsu happily nodded. Kouga snatched the book and started reading.

"Don't wear baggy clothes, they don't want hoodlums, and if you have belly fat, make sure it's covered, nobody likes a keg hangin' out. You shouldn't go OD business, but appear presentable. Make sure you shower before you show up. Style your hair nice and wear decent clothes." He read and sighed. Naraku snatched the book next.

"Step Two: Presenting Yourself." Naraku read with a smirk. "Presentation is key in the business world, even in grocery stores. Make sure you have a firm handshake, but not too firm so your employer doesn't think you're coming on to him/her." Kouga paused before continuing. "Sometimes if you're good looking, though, your employer may be interested in hiring you to look at."

"Whoa…" Hiten stared at Bankotsu who was still smiling innocently.

"Step Three: Advantages and Flaws." Hakudoshi peeked over Naraku to read. "When being interviewed bring up the stuff that sucks about you first, your flaws. Don't mention ones that are too personal or that will get you fired, just the ones so you don't look like you're kissing major ass by being perfect…" He paused. "You can't use ass you dumb fuck."

"Whoa, language?" Kouga stared at him and they look to Naraku.

"I gave up lecturing him when he was four." He explained.

"Ah…" Hiten nodded.

"Mrs. Redwood loves meh." Bankotsu shrugged and they rolled their eyes.

"Next bring up the things you basically pwn at doing." Hakudoshi continued. "Don't bring up bad things, like drinking, ripping people off like Stop and Shop does, gambling, sex, ect. Bring up good business qualities, like you're good at packing, I mean, how many options do you have? You're attempting to be a freaking bagger." He sighed. Hiten snatched the booklet next.

"Step Four: Experience. Every company likes an employee who's had some work experience. If you're still in school and have never had a job, good luck. Stop reading this guide book and apply at McDonald's, hopefully by then I'll be a famous book writer and have that 'How To' done. If you still wanna go for it, lie and say you've graduated or that you've had a job somewhere. It can work because I've done it before."

"Wow, you are an idiot." Kouga muttered.

"And you have a lot of grammar errors." Naraku pointed and Bankotsu rolled his eyes.

"So it's a bit sketchy, I'll fix it later."

"Tch, yeah right you lazy bastard." Hiten scoffed.

"Yeah…you're right." Bankotsu smiled and laughed with them. He grabbed the book and read the last part out loud himself.

"Step Five: Thanks. When leaving an interview, make sure you thank them for their time. Once again, if you're that desperate that you're reading this, then you probably just wasted their time. They could've been out partying and you killed that for them! Hope you're proud of yourself. But if you somehow pulled a miracle out of your ass and impressed them, make sure you leave with the same confidence you came in with. Smile and be genuine or they'll think you're cocky and give you the boot.

I hope this guide was of assistance to you in finding your bagger job. If you're unsuccessful at getting it…then well, good look at life, you'll need it m'friend.

Bankotsu Schichinitai." He finished.

"I enjoyed it." Naraku smirked.

"I don't know…" Kouga sighed.

"You're just jealous." Bankotsu scoffed.

"Oh yeah, im gunna use that in life." Hiten sighed.

"Hey, keep it, something tells me you guys will need it eventually." Naraku smirked.

-

Renkotsu: Hey I'm not in it! 8D

Kikyou: I'll make you in it ]

Renkotsu: O.o

Naraku: The whole thing humors me *shrugs*

Kikyou: Review. :3


	2. Kouga's Guide

Kouga: About time my writing skills are proven.

Hiten: Hey, I'm proud, I wasn't sure you could read. *pats head*

Sesshomaru: How did I get dragged into this?

Naraku: Blame soda, its bad. *downs Sprite*

Sesshomaru: …-.-

Kikyou: She dun own Inuyasha!

-

Naraku impatiently tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, glaring daggers at the red light on the pole while Hakudoshi snickered and listened to his ipod, amused by his brother's annoyance with the idiots in the back seat.

"_Don't be amazed at stories I tell ya, I met a woman in the heart of Australia, Had a big butt and big titties too, So I hopped in her ass like a kangaroo_" Bankotsu sang off the top of his head while Hiten clapped the beat and Kouga snickered every so often.

For the past five minutes, he had been the portable ipod.

"You would memorize that song." Kouga scoffed as he wrote notes on the paper on his lap.

"Yeah, as in, shut the fuck up, that shits annoying." Naraku glared and they all blinked.

"What crawled up your ass and died?" Bankotsu stared and he pinched the spot between his nose.

"Green light…" Hakudoshi muttered, still scrolling through Naraku's ipod and his eyes lit up.

"Oh thank…" His voice trailed off when he realized the light was red. "Aw darn, you just missed it." Hakudoshi snapped his fingers and Naraku's nostrils flared as the trio in the back laughed at him. He felt his pocket vibrate and dug through his pocket.

"Ooh, does Naraku have a booty call?" Bankotsu teased.

"_What_ does my sister see in you?" He rolled his eyes and read the text.

"Ouch?" Bankotsu blinked and Hiten snickered.

"Alright, you're going to Souten's." Naraku sighed and made a u-turn.

"For why?" Hakudoshi looked up.

"Wait, what?" Hiten's back shot up and his expression got serious.

'Kikyou needs a ride and I can't fit all your fatasses." He explained and Hakudoshi shrugged.

"Why are you going to see my sister?" He glared.

"He love her long time." Bankotsu winked and Hiten growled.

"Oh stop, she's been over my house plenty." Naraku rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, for Kanna!" Hiten glared.

"Or so you thought…" Banotsu mocked in an English tone.

"If you violate my sister in any way…I will find you." He threatened.

"Ooh, I'm shaking in my skin." Hakudoshi waggled his fingers and scoffed. Hiten huffed, crossed his arms, and leaned back in his seat, pissy.

"All finished!" Kouga held up a pamphlet in the air and Naraku swerved on the road.

"Watch where you're flingin' your shit!"

"No, you fling shit, monkey man." Bankotsu corrected and Naraku clenched his jaw, giving up arguing with them altogether.

"Done with what?" Hiten looked over, already distracted from the subject of Souten.

"My 'how to'." He said smugly as Naraku pulled up at Souten's godmother's house. Hakudoshi got out and went to the door before driving off.

"Aren't you gunna make sure he gets in ok?" Bankotsu blinked.

"He can handle himself; I need to go before Kikyou gets more hyped." He sighed.

"Ooh, what happened?" Hiten smirked at the idea of gossip and Kouga scowled at being ignored.

"They got into an argument." He shrugged.

"What about?" Bankotsu egged him on.

"…Pepsi or coca-cola…" He answered slowly, realizing how ridiculous it sounded.

"How did…" Kouga started.

"They escalate." He shrugged and pulled up, beeping the horn. They blinked when both Sesshomaru and Kikyou came out of the house.

"Thought just Kiky needed a ride." Hiten cocked his head.

"My hoes!" Kikyou chimed and jumped in the back, across their laps with no room for a seat. Sesshomaru scoffed and got in the passenger seat.

"I'm not a fuckin' taxi!" Naraku snapped.

"No, chauffer seems more fitting." Bankotsu winked.

"'bout time the white man works for the black." Kouga teased and they snickered.

"Why the hell are you both here?"

"We…made up." Sesshomaru blinked. "We just needed a ride to the smoothie place."

"But Kikyou said…" He groaned and glared at her in the back. She innocently waved.

"Whatever." He scoffed and pulled out. Hiten sighed and stroked her hair.

"Let's read our black friend's book." Bankotsu smiled and Kouga looked up, having forgotten about it.

"Right…just know, you guys inspired it." He winked at Hiten and Bankotsu.

"Aww." Bankotsu drawled.

"Oh boy." Hiten and Kikyou sighed in unison.

"You actually did it?" Sesshomar arched his brow.

"You shoulda' read Bankostu's." Naraku snickered and Sesshomaru just stared at him.

"Riiight…" He shook his head.

"How to be the perfect boyfriend…" Bankotsu read the cover and stared. "I'm a good boyfriend."

"Tch, and hell's freezing over." Naraku muttered.

'Kouga wrote this?" Kikyou teased and he glared.

"Kikyou's on Hiten's lap and not Sesshomaru's?" He gaped in mockery.

"Yo, hop off." Hiten glared and hit him over the head.

"Hah!" Kikyou teased. Sesshomaru scoffed in the front seat.

"Bros over hoes man…"

"And you're a bro that's a hoe, so where you categorized?" Kikyou taunted.

"I'm…"

"Silence!" Bankotsu yelled and the entire car got quiet. "I'm _trying_ to read here."

"Just sound it out buddy." Hiten patted his back and he glared.

"Step One: Respect." Bankotsu cleared his throat and they all started laughing. "What's so funny?"

"You said respect like you know what it is!" Kikyou pointed and laughed.

"Oh, tee-hee." He rolled his eyes.

"Please, do go on." Naraku wiped his eye and happily continued driving.

"Women may look petite, for the most part, but if there's one thing they demand, or sometimes deserve, respect. Just let her talk sometimes, nobody said you have to listen to the whole rant, just the important stuff." Bankostu smirked.

"Touché." Naraku smirked from the front.

'Smile and nod occasionally, and when they ask what you said and you dunno, pull 'em in for a kiss."

"That's awful." Kikyou laughed.

"True, right?" Kouga asked smugly.

"…yeah." She admitted.

"Not for you." Sesshomaru muttered and she glared.

"Ass."

"…sorry." He sighed.

"Nope." She crossed her arms and huffed.

"Kikyou…"

"Tch."

"I said…"

"Whateverr.." She drawled.

"I was…"

"Mhm, sure."

"….I'm sorry." He sighed and pecked her cheek.

"You are _so_ her bitch." Bankotsu teased. Kikyou snatched the book, in a perkier mood now.

"Step Two: Compliments. Girls do not want to hear how hot their ass or jugs look in anything. No matter how true it may be, avoid bringing it up at all costs. Say they have pretty eyes, that's a charmer…"

"I always tell Abi she has pretty eyes…" Hiten blinked.

"My point." Kouga shrugged and he glared.

"…and it usually satisfies them. Make sure you say things that are realistic, not like, 'hey, you look like you lost weight' ...in an argument, that only makes them more angry…trust me." Kikyou finished with a smirk.

"Step Three: Going out." Hiten started. "When you take your girl or girlfriends out, make sure it's a nice place that they think they deserve, because if you go by the feeling in your wallet, you'll end up at McDonald's…" Hiten finished.

"What's wrong with McDonald's?" Bankotsu stared and Naraku muttered something under his breath.

"Take her somewhere nice that she'll enjoy and you'll feel proud takin' her." He read before Kikyou took the book back.

Step Four: Love. Tell her you love her often. No so much that it's just disgusting here, but sometimes out of nowhere. Not in the middle of a fight (Hiten)." Kikyou read and Hiten glared.

"Hey!"

"Say it when you know you mean it and not as a way out of trouble so they know it's from the heart." Kikyou smirked. "Aww." She pinched Kouga's cheek and he swatted her hand.

"Step Five: Speed of the Relationship." Bankotsu read. "Moving too fast is never good, but if you go too slowly, odds are, your ass will end up alone. Make sure you talk about what you both want from the relationship once it gets serious so you can come to terms then and save a few fights as old people."

"Aw…fetch." Hiten scoffed. Naraku snatched the book and read the end as he drove.

"I don't feel safe…" Sesshomaru glanced over but was ignored.

"Hope this book was resourceful to those of you that don't know what you're doing with your girl. This was inspired by two dear friends of mine, but I won't mention names…I'll write them, Bankotsu and Hiten, have a nice relationship.

Kouga Okami." He snickered.

"Me?" Bankotsu pointed to himself.

"Ten bucks they end up alone in two years." Sesshomaru wagered.

"You're on!" Naraku grinned and they glared.

-

Renkotsu: Still not involved!

Kikyou: Yet, m'dear, yet.

Suikotsu: I'm back guys 8D

Renkotsu: …you left?

Jakotsu: Some brother…

Suikotsu: Now, I'm not gunna sing.

Naraku: Pwnage.

Kikyou: For who?

Naraku: *Shrugs* like the word.

Renkotsu: …review -.-


	3. Hiten's Guide

"Just go away already!" Naraku yelled at the top of his lungs as he slammed the key to his aunt's apartment in the doorknob.

"I sense hostility." Kouga said with a stern face, holding his index finger and thumb to his chin.

"Are you having personal problems, Naraku?" Bankotsu added.

"Oh my fucking god." Naraku groaned and went inside, Hakudoshi followed with a smirk plastered on his face, amused by his brother's anger.

"Definitely angry." Hiten concluded as he and the others came in after Hakudoshi.

"Indeed." Bankotsu nodded.

"Go away." Naraku went to his kitchen and poured a glass of Scotch.

"Aw…are we driving you to drink?" Bankotsu frowned seriously and Naraku clenched his fist.

"Where's Kagura?" Naraku asked.

"Still out." Hakudoshi shrugged.

"Kanna?"

"Souten's."

"Kikyou?"

"Not coming back till she knows they're gone."

"Muso?"

"Who knows or…really cares." Hakudoshi blinked and Naraku massaged his temples.

"Where are they?" Naraku looked up.

"Who?"

"Those idiots…where'd they go?" He looked around and Hakudoshi rolled his eyes.

"You're getting annoyingly paranoid." He sighed. He heard a loud explosion and they both jumped.

"They're the reason I'm paranoid." He glared and stormed to the living room with his Scotch.

"Die! Die! Die!" Bankotsu cheered as Kouga went on a killing spree on Call of Duty 4…on Naraku's Play Station 3.

"Ok…guys…I finished." Hiten held up his pamphlet.

"Hold on…almost there…." Kouga licked his upper lip and gaped when the screen went black and Naraku held the end of the plug in the air.

"Don't touch my shit." He glared and Kouga just continued to stare.

"On the day of Kouga's battle…there were thousands…and thousands…of casualties…." Bankotsu narrated dramatically and put a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"I tried to save them…" Kouga muttered.

"…I know you did…I know." Bankotsu sighed.

"It's a game!" Naraku reminded.

"A moment of silence…" Bankotsu took a deep breath as he and Kouga bowed their heads and closed their eyes.

"Are you fucking serious?" Hiten groaned.

"On the fucking real!" Naraku snarled, annoyed with their random acts for the day.

"Yo, shut it!" Kouga glared. "You murderer." He whispered and sent a glare so terrifying it sent a chill down Naraku's spine.

"…whoa." Hakudoshi blinked. Hiten cleared his throat and held his pamphlet in the air again.

"Right…" Naraku snatched it and fell back on the couch beside him.

"How to…Be a Mooch." Hakudoshi snickered as he read the title. Naraku felt his eyebrow twitch as Hiten sat smugly beside him.

"Yep, took real creativity right there." He sighed and folded his hands behind his head.

"I like it." Bankotsu added.

"Yes, a good guide volcano head." Kouga nodded and Naraku spoke before Bankotsu could open his mouth.

"Step 1: Friend or foe. When you mooch off someone, it's usually someone who you don't care whether or not their feelings get hurt when they find out they're being used. Go for your enemies; only, make them think you're friends. Gain their trust before realizing the benefits."

"So…you hate Naraku?" Hakudoshi looked over.

"Nah, we're good." Hiten slung his arm around Naraku's shoulder and he growled.

"If you hate me there's the door! Honest, my feelings will not be hurt!" Naraku assured and they all smiled innocently at him.

"Why Naraku…how could you ever think we hated you?" Bankotsu frowned. Hakudoshi snatched the book.

"Step 2: What to look for. Odds are, if you're reading a mooch guide, you have a lot of enemies because you're just that selfish. Out of your great selection, there are only a few good qualities you should go for. A friend with money is always the best, free stuff, good looks, steal a girl or two, or maybe something as simple as a car or house so you can use them for rides or be like Kikyou and just live with them." He read and saw Naraku burying his face in his hands on his lap.

"Didn't you just get mad at me for insulting Kikyou?" Kouga glared.

"Hey, I'm allowed to." Hiten shrugged.

"Why?" Bankotsu blinked.

"She loves me." He stuck his tongue out.

"She loves me more!" Bankotsu argued.

"No fucking way!" Hiten growled and Kouga grabbed the book next.

"Step 3…" He started.

"I said yes!" Bankotsu shouted.

"Noooo!"

"Shut the fuck up!" Kouga snapped and the room got silent. "Thank you." He smiled and continued. "Step 3: Time. Most people with money or looks are pretty smart and if they aren't, feel free to skip this step and consider yourself lucky. You want to acquire as much as you can without your person being able to tell they're being used. Start small and work your way up. If they offer to buy you something early in the relationship, act like you wouldn't be able to accept it. Once things get up there, they'll be buying you entertainment centers and hookers."

"Ew." Hakudoshi shuddered.

"Save me, save me, save me…" Naraku muttered in a chant and Bankotsu nudged him.

"You look kinda crazy talkin' to yourself." He whispered and Naraku groaned.

Step 4: Attachment." Hakudoshi snatched the book and read. "Pretend it's like a friend with benefits or something. Do NOT get attached or take a liking to the person you plan to screw over. Hell, even lie about who you are so they can't look you up."

"Step 5: Ending the Moochness." Kouga continued. "Once you've got what you wanted/needed, its time to break ties with your 'dear friend'. Make sure you make it clean and they don't pay any of your bills so you never have to face them again." Hiten took the book.

"Hope this guide helped you solve all your problems, if not…oh well. Cry me a river, build a bridge, and geed over it.

Hiten Raigekijin."

"I must say, I admire your writing skills, Hiten." Bankotsu nodded.

"Touché, my friend." Kouga agreed.

"So what's your book going to be about, Naraku?" Hakudoshi smirked and looked over.

"Oh…I have an idea…" He glared at the three idiots beside him and Hakudoshi gulped.

-

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha.

A/N: Le gasp! :O A cliffie? Hah! Yes! Review and maybe I'll update fast lovelies. 


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